This Is Real.

“Don’t be sad that I left. Be happy that I came,” she said as I pouted my lips. It was time for her to make her way through security and I could feel my eyes well up with tears. I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna cry. It’s too soon to cry at goodbyes.

It might’ve been too soon to cry at goodbyes. It might’ve been too soon to feel a lot of what I was feeling. The fact that my weekend with this amazing woman pretty much confirmed all cartwheels my stomach was doing when I heard her voice or saw her face on videochat was pretty darn exciting…and terrifying.

Now what? What if she decides not to come out to NYC for grad school? How will it work? What if she comes out here and it doesn’t work?

Questions. They still came despite the fact that I had found so many answers these last few days. They still came because good women like her don’t happen to me. I’ve never had someone that is turned on by the fact that alcohol ads on the train piss me off. Someone that notices the curves, dips and angels my nose, lips, chin and jaws makes. Someone that is just as affectionate as I am. Someone that makes me want to sing to her in public or walk hand in hand down the street. Someone who appreciates me for me. Who tells me I’m beautiful without makeup. Who sees past my flaws. Who loves the hint of whininess in my voice. And whose practicality balances my idealism.

Would she really be happy in NYC? Is the fast-paced city life really for her?

Fears. She complained quite a bit about how compact and crowded the quaint little restaurants we went to were. How disgusting the subway was. How long the commute was to the city. I wonder if this is really the place for her. I know she wants to get out of Indiana and that she wants to give us a fair shot by coming here for school. She wants to move to NYC for school and for us. But I don’t know that she wants to move to NYC for herself.

This is real. I knew from the moment I saw her waiting at baggage claim. We both couldn’t stop smiling. She wouldn’t let me go. I wanted to kiss her. I couldn’t take my eyes off her in the cab. This is real. She brushed the inside of my thighs and knees with her hand. I placed small kisses on her cheek. This is real.

Answers. I can see this going somewhere great. I loved falling asleep with her in my arms and waking up beside her the next day. We had loads of laughs going to a Broadway play, eating Moroccan food, visiting the museum. She got a chance to see me in my moods–how disappointed I can get when things don’t go perfectly, how irritable I can become when I’m tired and/or people are too loud around me–and has the patience and delicacy to deal with me.

“I feel like you can offer me a lot but that I don’t have much to offer you,” she said at one point.

She couldn’t have been more wrong. She’s the type of woman that could offer me unconditional love and support. She’s the type of woman I’d want to share experiences with. I got a glimpse of that this weekend.

“I don’t want you to go,” I whispered to her as she laid on my chest.

“Me neither,” she responded.

“You just make everything that much better.”

“You mean that?” she asked.

Absolutely.

Moment of Truth.

Today is the day. In about 4 hours I will see her for the second time. We’ve talked literally every day for the past 6 months, but this visit–these next few days–will be different. While I was developing feelings for her (and it turned out she for me) she was in a relationship and was set on making things work with her girlfriend. I respected that and neither of us ever crossed that line. Our interactions were strictly platonic to the point where we each had no other how the other felt.

Now, we get to spend time together without being afraid to look into to each other eyes. Hearing her voice can make my heart flutter without me immediately being filled with guilt. I can touch her, kiss her, stare at her beautiful smile and the cute freckles on her face.

I can’t wait.

I was so anxious that I couldn’t sleep. Woke up at the crack of dawn, lol. Just laid there thinking about holding her. Her holding me back. This trip can go amazingly and confirm everything we’ve both been feeling for all these months. Or it could be a disaster. I don’t doubt that we’ll have a blast. But it will be so disappointing if that same chemistry doesn’t exist in person.

This will be the moment of truth.

Woohoo!

Countdown Continues!

Countdown Begins!

Same Old Bull.

I came across these Remy Martin ads yesterday on the train:

I dunno what bothers me more: The allusion to “lesbianism” under the influence of alcohol? The interracial coupling of the men and women? The performance of the stereotypical male fantasy of a threesome with two women? The tagline, “Things are getting interesting?” Or all of the above?

I hate that the first time I see an ad alluding to same-sex relationships is selling alcohol and sex. I hate that the most diverse couples I’ve seen in an ad on the train is about sexual desire/fantasy and keeping things “interesting.”

I don’t think ads like these are going anywhere, but when they go undisputed…that’s when I get concerned. Kids and adults alike are absorbing these images on the way to school or work and who knows what effects these ads have subconsciously?

Women are capable of having loving relationships with one another. Not just sexual. And it doesn’t take alcohol for two women to feel attracted to one another. Don’t call it “interesting” as if it’s outside of the norm. There is nothing interesting or out of the ordinary about my love for women.

You’d never see an ad like this with two men together or one woman and two men. Double standard much?

Who I’m Really Feeling Right Now

Stunning. Impeccable style. Flawless makeup. Nuff said.

Lovers and Friends

She knew things about me I had never told anyone else and vice versa. I knew all her dirt, but still developed feelings for her. It just didn’t matter to me. Beneath that superficial layer of film, I saw a beautiful spirit. Someone who was compassionate, loving and thoughtful .

When we became more than friends, I wanted to get to know her romantically on my own terms. Her past was still irrelevant. I didn’t care about the women she’d slept with or the lapses of judgment she had…until last night. She said something that made me stop in my tracks and as much as I don’t want feel scared and want to completely hand my heart over to this woman, there is nothing that exempts me from heartache. Yes, I believe her when she says I’m nothing like any woman she’s ever met. But just because I’m different doesn’t mean she will be.

“I’m weak,” she said. “I either avoid temptation completely or completely give into it.”

Nothing I hadn’t known about her before.

But it just made her past all real and relevant to me. I trust that she will use good judgment to avoid compromising situations at all costs, but it scares me that she has to. Does that make sense?

I still want to pursue things and see where they go. The things that excite me FAR outweigh what makes me nervous. I guess when isn’t taking a chance on love, well, taking a chance?

Who I’m Really Feeling Right Now *Updated*

Sobeautiful.

“You’re my baby, 
My love, my lady
All night
You make me
Want you
It drives me crazy
I feel like you were made just for me babe
Tell me if you feel the same way…” – “Sobeautiful” by Musiq Soulchild

I’ve met someone. Well, sort of…we’ve known each other for months now, but only recently have put our feelings out there. A few days ago, I was sharing this with a friend and her response was, “You’re always meeting people! It’s so easy for you!” Ha. I mean, I guess I meet a lot of women but when you look at my track record, most of them haven’t turned into anything substantial. We just never seem to be on the same page. Truth be told, I rather meet one good woman than fifteen that are full of shit…I don’t care how attractive you are. Anyways, I feel like I’ve finally met that good woman. Finally, someone who gets me and the feelings are completely mutual on every possible level.

I’ve never met someone that has made me smile this hard. Just hearing her voice brightens up my day. We share the same values, we’re looking for the same things, and we just click. I love her sense of humor, how supportive and thoughtful she is…just everything about her.

We started off as friends. I had always been into her but wasn’t sure if feelings were mutual. I finally told her how I felt and it turns out that she had been feeling the same all along! I’m still in disbelief about how things all sort of fell into place so perfectly.

It’s still very premature. She lives in another state and although we’ve hung out before, most of our interaction has been online and on the phone.  I get to see her in a month, which seems like forever away. I’m super excited and nervous. I hope the chemistry we have on the phone translates into something in person.

It all seems too good to be true. I haven’t had the best luck with women. Only time will tell, but I have a good feeling about this one…