“I Kissed A Boy And I…”
Didn’t like it! Yes, you read right. After a year of dating only women, I got with a boy and we did more than kiss. Before you delete me from your blogrolls, hear me out! This guy was someone I had a crush on since I was 12. We had both liked each other but it wasn’t until last year that we hooked up…shit was TERRIBLE. I left and the first thing I did was call my friend and said, “I’m so gay.” Funny thing is he was the last guy I was with before I stopped denying that my attraction to women was deeper than just a “phase.”
Fast forward to present day. The guy and I are back in NYC this summer and I begin to get all these messages from him saying that he misses old times. Now we were really good friends too. We hung out all the time, had a blast, and could talk about anything to each other. Anyway, it was clear he wanted to pick up where we left off. I made it clear that I date and love women. After I told him off when he said he’d show me what I was missing and that I NEEDED to “choose” a sex (I told him I had no desire to be with a man, but I wouldn’t be opposed to it if I fell for a guy), all the sex talk started to turn me on! It wasn’t the thought of him or his penis. It was the thought of hot sex…it had been a couple of months since I’d had any physical contact with anyone. (A few weeks ago, a good-looking, buff male friend lightly touched my back and I got goosebumps!)
But really I wasn’t sure. I was like maybe I’d enjoy it…who knows? The only two reasons I could think of not doing it were:
1) I could possibly be bisexual!!!! Heaven forbid! (Note the sarcasm.) I was seriously freaking out about this yall. I know bisexuals have a bad rep in the gay community. And all of a sudden I felt less “valid” or that I wouldn’t be taken seriously anymore.
2) My mother would be victorious. I could just imagine how happy my mother would be if she found out I slept with a guy. I didn’t want to give her that satisfaction.
THEN I realized that IIIIII, ME, MOI didn’t fit anywhere into these concerns. It was all about other people and what THEY’D think of me.
So I hung out with him…and we hooked up…and it was awful yet again. And it wasn’t him (well, I guess it was him actually). I’ll spare the details, but he was…ahem…well-equipped and knew what he was doing. But I just couldn’t get into it. I kept wishing he’d do the things the women I’d been with had done to me. I kept wishing his body was soft and that he had curves and breasts. I missed being able to grab a head full of hair! There was no sensuality, no light moans. Just grunting and heaving. Ugh. I stopped him after 20 minutes and we just laid there and talked about how much I love women.
So yea…that experience pretty much sums up my sexual encounters with men. Do I regret it? No…but it was a waste of time. Would I do it again? Not with him. Would I be with a guy again? I don’t know. Does the fact that I can say I don’t know make me bisexual? I don’t know either. And I don’t care.
******
On another note: I met a beautiful girl during NYC Pride. Omg. I can’t wait to see her again! I’ll have to do a separate blog post on her. Feels good to be writing again!
P.S.- She just texted me!!!! Blog ya later!
June 29, 2009 at 8:57 pm
You’re back to writing! The blogosphere’s been slow lately, haha.
Anywhoo, why would we delete you from blog rolls? Haha. I think you just have to go by the saying “sexuality happens”. I understand the thinking about what of other folks might think of your sexuality, but I think you have to remember what would make you happy.
June 29, 2009 at 9:27 pm
BWABW,
Wow! That was shocking news. I’m sort of speechless. Lol Um, well I guess the important thing is that you do what you need to do to be sure of what you want. Actually (now that the shock has worn off, Lol) I think you’re brave for doing what you felt.
I wonder though what it’s like to look at a guy or be around one and feel an attraction to him? I’ve never in my life been attracted to a guy.
” Before you delete me from your blogrolls, hear me out!” – Lmao!
June 30, 2009 at 2:27 am
LMAO….I really hate having to define sexuality by sociological terms. I hate labels…this story makes me think of my experience with a male friend from my past http://evesbittenapple.blogspot.com/2009/06/head-banger.html I’m sure we can relate, lol… “The Head Banger” was a horrible experience…bad head will change your life…
anyway…seems like you’ve got a good friend, he didn’t blow up when you rejected him…maybe you should try a threesome and see what happens? lol…
June 30, 2009 at 7:06 am
Sexuality is so fluid that sometimes even lesbians go through “phases” where they question themselves, their sexuality, because they may feel an attraction toward the opposite sex that goes beyond just the eye, becomes physical, and sometimes they play it out and sometimes they don’t. I remember a very good friend of mine telling me about her experience with a guy a few months after it happened, he was a good friend and her first time with a man and she tried twice just like you but the second time she stopped him before consumating the act because she didn’t want to experience the act, even though he did turn her on initially. Curiousity got the best of her, but she’s even more comfortable in her sexuality now, so she says. :) I could care less, either way she’s my buddy and I love her regardless. It’s cool that you two can still remain friends and hopefully that respect remains a staple part of your friendship.
July 2, 2009 at 11:15 am
LMAO.
You’re too funny.
Shit happens. And you learned from it. I don’t fault you…how could anyone? I really don’t think different aspects of sexuality can be labeled. It seems impossible, as the possibilities are freakin endless. Something that turns you on today, might not next year. I say follow your lust until you find what completes you and satisfies you like no other… its all you girl. Do you.
July 3, 2009 at 9:36 am
I’m not gonna delete ya lol. I don’t think anybody will…Anywho, You’re your own person and its your life. You never make decisions based on what somebody else will think…I’m one of those people that believes everything happens for a reason. So maybe it was just meant to happen. And like someone else mentioned you learned from it. It doesn’t matter if you are a lez or bi there’s still luv from this way! At least you’ll still fall some where under the rainbow lol. Now if you turn all straight on us then I will delete you. JUST KIDDING! LOL
July 3, 2009 at 9:50 pm
*sings* summertiiiime and the fishes are jumpiiiiing, so hush little babyyyy don’t you cryyyyy.
It sounds like nature is doing what it usually does. When in need, what is closest will sometimes do.
Anyhoo, it sounds like your taking a break from the blog gave you adventures to write about. Cheers.
July 6, 2009 at 2:28 pm
one word…wow!
July 6, 2009 at 6:26 pm
LOL I love how you say it was a waste of time! LOL ohh and was Pride all it was craked up to be? my friends said that it would be lame…